My Confession

No matter what you say
This truth i know
The me you see is a cold disguise
A mask i wear ... that shall swallow me whole


You say I'm a pleasure to talk to
But the pleasantries we exchange
is fake... I'm playing you ..
All i do is play a role
That shall swallow me whole


I shall never live upto your expectations
cause what you think of me is a lie
It's only a disguise i put on to use you
When behind your back i mock and ridicule

I laugh with you ,seem nice and decent and put on a show
To make you feel good about tomorrow
When what I really think of you is that you're sick
I fool myself ,I'm digging a hole
My hypocrisy and lies shall swallow me whole


I laugh at you.. mock you behind your back
When all i'm really doing is burying myself in lies
Nothing i say to praise is genuine
All my compliments fake


They are lies to gain your trust ..
right now this confession i make
They are only lies , Only a blind disguise
I'm digging a hole today
One that shall swallow me whole...someday


I confess i'm ashamed for not liking you more
I confess i'm ashamed for that look of trust i see in your eyes
The trust i break everyday when you turn away .
In my attempts to play with you... I'm killing myself ..I know ..
I'm sorry but this disguise has overtaken me..i can't let go .



I wish I could stop, I wish I played with you no more..
For I don't want to pretend anymore
I wish i had the courage to tell you face to face
I don't like you ..i've never liked you... my friend
But this mask is me now .. this is me



My sins are unforgivable ..I shall have to pay
I feel nothing really matters ..so i play with you instead
No matter how much care you show..The trust and respect you give
It won't stop me from digging this hole ...
Of hypocrisy and lies which someday shall swallow me whole.


Friend ,this is my confession
I'm telling you this today
This is me ..
the one you call your friend


I'm unworthy of your respect and love
I'm unworthy of your time
I'm telling you all this because.. MAYBE
MAYBE YOU FEEL THE SAME.
MAYBE YOU ARE THE SAME .


please let me know .......


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Lucky Thirteen

This post is to impress upon you my new found sense of "Hey ...i'm growing up ! " . It has been an eventful past couple of days . Well eventful by my standards anyways .
Managed to keep myself off a street fight (yes yes...a real one... brash punk and i took it well) and accepted two difficult facts ,responsibilities (and i would like to think reacted well to them ) that i would have had much greater trouble dealing with before. So yeah ... i'm glad about how i conducted myself over past few days ..something i havn't been for a long while back .

Maybe its got to do with the global economic downturn..people losing jobs ..worrying about their futures that has given me this new found sense of greater self importance as opposed to the previous worried hallowed sense of impending doom.Now that everybody else seems to be worried it makes me less worried.... Or maybe its because i am slowly teaching myself of letting go of this fear of failure i've held all these years . Slowly but surely i'm learning to let go of false hopes and expectations from people.... and more importantly ....... from myself !

College re-opens tomorrow ..and well i do love college ... so damn much . (sarcasm ..laugh u ) .. It shouldn't be bad ... will continue with the formula adapted for the last couple of semesters ... "no lab .. no use going to college" .I'm telling you .. with all these 'couples' in class its quite awkward entering it .... don't know quite where to look ... every angle seems to have a different posture from one of those newly built lover's parks being enacted ! ... (okay ..now laugh ) !

Having got THAT outa the way ..as i was saying ... I seemed to be growing up ..
So many things to be thankful for ... and yes it was a REAL street fight i managed to wage off with my super cool patience in the face of blinding hate from a drunk idiotic punk .....be it at the cost of being at the receiving end of a few choice words ...Hmm..can't have it all my way .
Now as i keep congratulating myself for finally learning to understand reality better .... you guys wait patiently for my next post ... which shall be just as nerve racking ,enthralling , practical ...cogent discourse... Cheers ... n till we meet again ...Good evening ... Good afternoon ... and Good Night !


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Broken trust .....Stays broken.

Treachery can never be forgiven.Trust once broken can never be regained.I value respect as equally as important as love..if not more so ..in any relation . Respect and love ... whether between friends , lovers or relatives. Once that respect is lost ,love cannot survive .

Once trust has been broken...no matter how much effort goes into trying to rebuilt
a relation the erstwhile sweetness can never ever be regained. The seeds of mistrust once sown can never be removed. It takes years and years to know someone ..to built trust and it takes just a moment to give it all away ... to destroy everything ...to spoil all the hours ,days ..years ...gone into making that relation ... any relation.

This scares me . Yes, I am afraid.


For me ..due to broken trust ... a relation or friendship i may have had ..has been broken it stays broken for good. I do not want to reconcile. If i am in a position to help out such a person I shall.If i am in a place and time to have a laugh ..share a joke with this ex-trusted entity i shall .I shall maintain all the reasonable formal norms that society expects ..but never ever shall i consider ...never ever shall I give such a person the opportunity to make a mockery of me and my time again .I don't care why the relation didn't work .Why the trust was broken...Who was at fault...I shall bear no grudges against such a person.. I shall blame myself first .. cause i was the one who trusted ..maybe i am at fault ..but the bottomline is that the relation failed ...The simplicity and respect of the relation is lost forever ..

Life is too damn short to depend and trust someone again ..to believe in a relation that has been falsified and insincere once.... is mind numbingly stupid .That's the conclusion I have come to .. thinking about this topic of broken trust ... Trust once broken for me.... shall stay broken for good.

There ofcourse are exceptions ... supposing a married couple with children ..and one of them finds the other guilty of adultery ... Or a son steals from his father ,his brother ...then invariably they must try and make it work .. they must try and trust in the relation again ... must ... cause we as humans would like to believe that things can be fixed ... we are too weak to let go ... we can't ... the moment we compromise by not punishing mistrust the respect is gone...and with it love and dignity of the relation.

Still believe broken trust should stay broken ... but we are often found too weak to accept ......when its over.......A nagging feeling always remains with second chances ...... that maybe it shall get spoiled again.... What was before can be no more...... no matter how much two people try ... when trust is broken ......... let it remain so .

Maybe I am too self respecting ...egoistic that i take such a view ... Maybe it's that i am willing to forgive (both myself and the other person) for the broken trust ..but not forget .. maybe I am wrong in this conclusion... but it works for me.

Happy New Year !!

The world seems so much better.Everything seems to have quietened down .Yes , I could do this .I can get used to this.For the last couple of days i've been feeling at peace, less irritated with myself ..much less bitter with everything around me. It feels good. The simplicity of life . I don't know why this is so . Maybe it's because of the influence of my friends . Who are much much wiser than I ..and their words of encouragement and the way they make me feel so important and special ... I wish this feeling never ends.Maybe I needed this peace to feel good again... I don't know what it is.. that i'm suddenly thinking straight ... That i'm not killing myself worrying... and the point is I don't care what the reason is ... Maybe it's the long drives that i've been taking for the last few days ... Or maybe its that i've been living alone for the past week ..I don't care ! This sms one of my friends send .. picks me up everytime I worry.... it said something like work with passion and emotion but don't get emotional .. wise words ....and one i hope to follow always .. This other person from college i talk to almost everyday has been so helpful .i wish i always have friends such as these....i can't imagine the mess i was in about four months ago .. (one i have none but myself to blame for ) and how i am feeling now..... just so many inspirations and friends to draw my strength from .I never want to let go of this new found me ... This is the me i want me to be ..forever . One that looks at the positive side of things ...one that forgives.. one that is quick to judge myself first before pointing a finger at anyone else... One that knows my faults are far greater and am much more the screwed up mentally than anyone else i dare to blame. Hope i can gather courage from the positive influences i have around me at present and never ever ever ....let go of this new found spirit i seem to have found.
yes .. life seems good again ! :-)


Happy New Year everyone ! :)

Two Nations Born Hours Apart

Two nations born hours apart ....
One broken into fragments by diverse cultures ,religions, ethnicity.
The other broken by varying perceptions of its sole religion .
Both suffering from the same ailments -
Of poverty ,corruption and dirty regional,religion based politics .
Both nations in dire straits to keep itself together.
Two nations riddled with human loss from the same cause.
One nation rebukes the other for breeding these vile beasts.
The other lashes back with accounts of its own set of discontentment with the extremists.
One nation's powers-that-be puts up a brave face to keep its government together.
The other's does the same ...but to keep its people together.
Both nations pile up arms and ammunition on that thin line that separates.
Two nations that keep warning the other that war can do either no good .
One nation standing on the brink of supposed greatness-
The other fighting with itself for its very existence.
Both nations as diverse ..with people -both evil or innocent as the driven snow.


Two nations born hours apart..Two nations that sadly shall forever treat the other with fear and mistrust.Two nations that mock each other behind their backs. Two nations ..that shall never ever stop going at each other for land.Two nations that perceives itself to be hard done by the other. Two nations trying to kill each other.. yet professing innocence on face and lips.Two nations with varying perceptions ... yet suffering just the same.Two nations that shall silently ,sadly ... shamefully be always at war.. with each other .. with themselves...

Two nations that were born hours apart ...

A Dream ..

the warmth of the morning sun ..
the clear blue skies...the gently flowing breeze
standing on that green slope ..
everything seemed so pure
the world spoke to me in staccato notes


That moment was IT .. all that life had to offer was mine
That elusive quest of independent happiness was over
I was my own man ... that moment i'd dreamed of ..
since my infancy was here ...i let that moment enter me ..
Fill me up .. with all its rich purity and HOPE


I felt younger ... felt like i could run a thousand miles
And never get tired ...felt like i'd win ...
Everything felt so positive ..So damn Sure ... Nothing was impossible
I'd never felt such an attesting adrenaline rush in my veins before
Flowing through every fiber of my being ... I was ALIve


Yesterday had nothing for me ... A bad dream ..nothing more...
Only this moment mattered ... Nature ligated me with wisdom wise
Its dark rich colors and soothing ,silently soothing motivating motions
woke me up from my slumber of life .. I was MIne


I moved my feet ...went to the top of the hill ...
Before me the idle expanse of the open ocean ...
green and blue ... the rising and falling tides
undulating movements ... complete solitude ..
Inspiring Impressions ...of this HEaven ..


what was that wandering sound ? DAmn...
I woke up ...No more seeking .. I was Found
I didn't expect anything....No return ..
No more asking ... I am MIne.

who's right ?

Is ruthlessness vital for success ? I wouldn't know.I have never been a go-getter...
Have always been propelled by the fear of losing ..as opposed to the will to win ...Would that will to succeed involve a certain degree of nonchalance towards our passions ?Sure ..some people can manage both ... but for folks like me .... (less brainy ones,lazy ones ) ... the word success accompanies with itself the baggage of giving up on the what i've been doing all my life .A forced change into an unfamiliar daily routine.

I want to change ...want to let go... want to be different ... But as S .Frued said people don't really want to to have freedom..because freedom brings with itself responsibilities.Is it those fear of responsibilities that has really been holding the real me back all my life ?

Some people are innately born with this desire to succeed ...no matter what it takes.
Others prefer to live in the comfort zone and not strive for it and appease themselves with the false consolation that in the larger scheme of things nothing matters ..success is relative and one only needs to be contended with themselves because man's desire for greater things will never stop .

Who is right ?

can't wait ...

Can't wait for the 16th .. and start enjoying the simple pleasures in life again ... movies ..... good food....hanging out wid friends at park street .... driving (yes still learning ) ....reading .... anonymity ...can't wait :-) .......one thing that i will miss about colg are my walks back home from park street crossing or fort william ...oh well...can't get everything..... can't wait ...barista coffee ...chocolate sundae@ hobby center .. can't wait ....... :-)

random post

Sometimes life has a tendency to kick you in the ass ..it makes you realise all the things you had taken for granted and assumed you were but in reality you're not . It comes as a rude reminder of all your incapabilities ..the shortcomings of character and the foolishness ,incredulity of you're thought process and you just wish you weren't so damn stupid....so damn useless. Those moments in life don't come often ..but when they do they tend to wake you up ... to the real world ..It strips away the false cushions ... and the sweet brutality of life is yours. These kicks do help.cheers !

Here and Now

All i'll be is just a memory ...
an ideal quantity ..
Lost is an open sea ..for now
for ever..an eternity shall I be ..

The unacceptable proclivities ...
illogical ideologies .. No more of vanity ..
I want sanity ... In the darkness ..
Hiding from the psychedelic lights ..
No more a fool .. No one's tool ..
Shall I be ..

Fantasies ... Ecstasies ..Rapture..Bliss..
No frivolous delight ..Will I accept ..
No more damn lies .. No more of Untruth ..
All I want's the naked truth ..
Freedom .. Sacrifice .. All I want is to be free ..
Free ... from this Claustrophobic Society ..
And its rules... The System...it's killing me...
I want to be me ..

The independent me .. has to survive..
No more of me killing me ..No more walls ..
No more people...locality ..The open fields ..
They beckon me .. To get lost amongst 'em..
And find my lost sanity .. I want my freedom ..
I want to be me ..No loads to carry ..
No more fights ..Not me against me ..
No more..
Shall i be ..


Think less ..Do more ..
Make things simple again ..
Alone.. A light shone ..
The answer is here ..
The answer is within me ...
But i'm too afraid to let go .