My Confession

No matter what you say
This truth i know
The me you see is a cold disguise
A mask i wear ... that shall swallow me whole


You say I'm a pleasure to talk to
But the pleasantries we exchange
is fake... I'm playing you ..
All i do is play a role
That shall swallow me whole


I shall never live upto your expectations
cause what you think of me is a lie
It's only a disguise i put on to use you
When behind your back i mock and ridicule

I laugh with you ,seem nice and decent and put on a show
To make you feel good about tomorrow
When what I really think of you is that you're sick
I fool myself ,I'm digging a hole
My hypocrisy and lies shall swallow me whole


I laugh at you.. mock you behind your back
When all i'm really doing is burying myself in lies
Nothing i say to praise is genuine
All my compliments fake


They are lies to gain your trust ..
right now this confession i make
They are only lies , Only a blind disguise
I'm digging a hole today
One that shall swallow me whole...someday


I confess i'm ashamed for not liking you more
I confess i'm ashamed for that look of trust i see in your eyes
The trust i break everyday when you turn away .
In my attempts to play with you... I'm killing myself ..I know ..
I'm sorry but this disguise has overtaken me..i can't let go .



I wish I could stop, I wish I played with you no more..
For I don't want to pretend anymore
I wish i had the courage to tell you face to face
I don't like you ..i've never liked you... my friend
But this mask is me now .. this is me



My sins are unforgivable ..I shall have to pay
I feel nothing really matters ..so i play with you instead
No matter how much care you show..The trust and respect you give
It won't stop me from digging this hole ...
Of hypocrisy and lies which someday shall swallow me whole.


Friend ,this is my confession
I'm telling you this today
This is me ..
the one you call your friend


I'm unworthy of your respect and love
I'm unworthy of your time
I'm telling you all this because.. MAYBE
MAYBE YOU FEEL THE SAME.
MAYBE YOU ARE THE SAME .


please let me know .......


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Lucky Thirteen

This post is to impress upon you my new found sense of "Hey ...i'm growing up ! " . It has been an eventful past couple of days . Well eventful by my standards anyways .
Managed to keep myself off a street fight (yes yes...a real one... brash punk and i took it well) and accepted two difficult facts ,responsibilities (and i would like to think reacted well to them ) that i would have had much greater trouble dealing with before. So yeah ... i'm glad about how i conducted myself over past few days ..something i havn't been for a long while back .

Maybe its got to do with the global economic downturn..people losing jobs ..worrying about their futures that has given me this new found sense of greater self importance as opposed to the previous worried hallowed sense of impending doom.Now that everybody else seems to be worried it makes me less worried.... Or maybe its because i am slowly teaching myself of letting go of this fear of failure i've held all these years . Slowly but surely i'm learning to let go of false hopes and expectations from people.... and more importantly ....... from myself !

College re-opens tomorrow ..and well i do love college ... so damn much . (sarcasm ..laugh u ) .. It shouldn't be bad ... will continue with the formula adapted for the last couple of semesters ... "no lab .. no use going to college" .I'm telling you .. with all these 'couples' in class its quite awkward entering it .... don't know quite where to look ... every angle seems to have a different posture from one of those newly built lover's parks being enacted ! ... (okay ..now laugh ) !

Having got THAT outa the way ..as i was saying ... I seemed to be growing up ..
So many things to be thankful for ... and yes it was a REAL street fight i managed to wage off with my super cool patience in the face of blinding hate from a drunk idiotic punk .....be it at the cost of being at the receiving end of a few choice words ...Hmm..can't have it all my way .
Now as i keep congratulating myself for finally learning to understand reality better .... you guys wait patiently for my next post ... which shall be just as nerve racking ,enthralling , practical ...cogent discourse... Cheers ... n till we meet again ...Good evening ... Good afternoon ... and Good Night !


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Broken trust .....Stays broken.

Treachery can never be forgiven.Trust once broken can never be regained.I value respect as equally as important as love..if not more so ..in any relation . Respect and love ... whether between friends , lovers or relatives. Once that respect is lost ,love cannot survive .

Once trust has been broken...no matter how much effort goes into trying to rebuilt
a relation the erstwhile sweetness can never ever be regained. The seeds of mistrust once sown can never be removed. It takes years and years to know someone ..to built trust and it takes just a moment to give it all away ... to destroy everything ...to spoil all the hours ,days ..years ...gone into making that relation ... any relation.

This scares me . Yes, I am afraid.


For me ..due to broken trust ... a relation or friendship i may have had ..has been broken it stays broken for good. I do not want to reconcile. If i am in a position to help out such a person I shall.If i am in a place and time to have a laugh ..share a joke with this ex-trusted entity i shall .I shall maintain all the reasonable formal norms that society expects ..but never ever shall i consider ...never ever shall I give such a person the opportunity to make a mockery of me and my time again .I don't care why the relation didn't work .Why the trust was broken...Who was at fault...I shall bear no grudges against such a person.. I shall blame myself first .. cause i was the one who trusted ..maybe i am at fault ..but the bottomline is that the relation failed ...The simplicity and respect of the relation is lost forever ..

Life is too damn short to depend and trust someone again ..to believe in a relation that has been falsified and insincere once.... is mind numbingly stupid .That's the conclusion I have come to .. thinking about this topic of broken trust ... Trust once broken for me.... shall stay broken for good.

There ofcourse are exceptions ... supposing a married couple with children ..and one of them finds the other guilty of adultery ... Or a son steals from his father ,his brother ...then invariably they must try and make it work .. they must try and trust in the relation again ... must ... cause we as humans would like to believe that things can be fixed ... we are too weak to let go ... we can't ... the moment we compromise by not punishing mistrust the respect is gone...and with it love and dignity of the relation.

Still believe broken trust should stay broken ... but we are often found too weak to accept ......when its over.......A nagging feeling always remains with second chances ...... that maybe it shall get spoiled again.... What was before can be no more...... no matter how much two people try ... when trust is broken ......... let it remain so .

Maybe I am too self respecting ...egoistic that i take such a view ... Maybe it's that i am willing to forgive (both myself and the other person) for the broken trust ..but not forget .. maybe I am wrong in this conclusion... but it works for me.

Happy New Year !!

The world seems so much better.Everything seems to have quietened down .Yes , I could do this .I can get used to this.For the last couple of days i've been feeling at peace, less irritated with myself ..much less bitter with everything around me. It feels good. The simplicity of life . I don't know why this is so . Maybe it's because of the influence of my friends . Who are much much wiser than I ..and their words of encouragement and the way they make me feel so important and special ... I wish this feeling never ends.Maybe I needed this peace to feel good again... I don't know what it is.. that i'm suddenly thinking straight ... That i'm not killing myself worrying... and the point is I don't care what the reason is ... Maybe it's the long drives that i've been taking for the last few days ... Or maybe its that i've been living alone for the past week ..I don't care ! This sms one of my friends send .. picks me up everytime I worry.... it said something like work with passion and emotion but don't get emotional .. wise words ....and one i hope to follow always .. This other person from college i talk to almost everyday has been so helpful .i wish i always have friends such as these....i can't imagine the mess i was in about four months ago .. (one i have none but myself to blame for ) and how i am feeling now..... just so many inspirations and friends to draw my strength from .I never want to let go of this new found me ... This is the me i want me to be ..forever . One that looks at the positive side of things ...one that forgives.. one that is quick to judge myself first before pointing a finger at anyone else... One that knows my faults are far greater and am much more the screwed up mentally than anyone else i dare to blame. Hope i can gather courage from the positive influences i have around me at present and never ever ever ....let go of this new found spirit i seem to have found.
yes .. life seems good again ! :-)


Happy New Year everyone ! :)