simple is divine

simple is divine -So it goes
Not all questions have answers they say
Have only one teacher in my soul
Look and you shall see - the truth
Don't distract the mind from its goal

Don't complicate me , simple is divine
I am an empty cup , that'll be filled in time
Guided by only passion and truth -
is what i want to be

At night, I hear the whistling winds and you call out to me
Don't get any closer or I shall have to leave
If i choose to stay , I'll die silently

Caged by agony and conditional lies
I don't want to be that guy
An open prayer and not a silent song am I

Broken and plundered by the promises of time
Don't get any closer or I shall have to leave
In search of truth and truth only am I
You truly love only once in life
Everything hence ...a compromise.
simple is divine

It's Complicated

The world says ..it cannot be ....
but i do believe in fantasy

For what is a man without hope ?
She's the sacred spirit that guides my soul.

The world may laugh ...
call me an idealistic fool ..
"she's not for real " they say ..
"it'll never be" .....


She's an answer to my prayers
but an idealistic notion to naysayers

whatever the feeling i do not know
she makes me grow .. gives me life ...
love and compassion when i have none to find.

The sum total of all i hold dear ..that's her ...
Wherever i may be ..she'll follow me .


Everyday this bond i share ...grows stronger
out of the struggles of day -to-day life
Nothing life can bring can surprise me
As long as she is near... i'll be me.

My heart says ..i do not deserve her
I do not deserve a feeling so pure...
Trapped in the world of insanity
She is all i have ... and that's enough for me.

She makes me grow stronger everyday
i'll say it once?... i'll say it clear ...
I think i love you ..my dear
Wish i never lose this feeling ..
That's all i have to say ...tonight.

----------------------------------------------------------

systemised

Running away ..
but you got a debt to pay ...
if not today ..it'll swallow you whole some day ...
Crashed and burned ..
broken down...stop the rewind...
don't let it take your mind.. accept the grind
engulfed by darkness ... desperate search for light
don't rewind ... the alley is blind
where shadows congregate ...
where the mind has ceased ...
rest in peace.

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

The cold November rain brings with it a promise ..a refreshing air ...As if , Nature soothing us to coax us out of our self imposed shackles.

Imagine all the things you wanted to be ...dreamt of being when young...when your heart and mind weren't restrained by surroundings and the world as you knew it then was still a mysterious place ....one brimming with opportunity ...and there was an exciting fear about every new day ...a strange happiness out of not knowing ...not worrying about what the future might bring .. and what vocation you are best suited for .... a time when you didn't feel burdened with the weight of responsibilities .... when you knew that you were special... and unique... and you had a destiny ... your path had been chosen .... drawn out for you.... and everything would fall into line ... cause you believed... cause you trusted in yourself... everything would work out fine .


Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone


That my friends.. is greatness... that unbridled enthusiasm ..that joy of living. that thrill of adventure of what the future would bring. Yes , our souls were great once ....cause we had that passion for living ....
We were great once.... Can we not be great again ?

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

We need not be shackled by the vagaries of our surroundings ..the filth and distrust which society has inhibited us with . Cause we are special and are the masters of our own destinies.


Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Botticelli Angel

Like cherry cakes and milkshakes...
My Botticelli angel ... Like the flowing waters of rivulets
you carry me to distant shores
And keep me longing for more...


Like flowers and sunshine ..
I am afraid to call you mine
The genie that purged my soul
And purified me to the core

Yet I do know...that wherever I may be ..
Your memory will comfort me ..
This has been long due..
Ever since the essence of you I knew ...
We help the other when one sighs
Let it be so ... for now ...
and forever more..


========================================

part plagiarized from "before sunrise"

I have meaning to fill this place with some more of my pseudo intellectual inconsequential ramblings for a while now ... but as with any that's well written ......... it has to come as a spurt and without cause... a moment of inexplicable propulsion into the stratosphere of meaning..... i wait for that moment.
I am being compelled to accept the conclusion that luck plays a major part in life. If something good and worthwhile has to happen it'll just happen ....something that would bring one unprecedented amounts of joy and happiness ....... then it would just happen !! As dumb as that may sound ... this in fact is the truth . Goodness happens out of the blue . (Yes, right , this is dumb ..... but the truth ).

WE(and by we ,I mean I ) tend to over-think things ..over complicate simple matters ..... which need not be treated and thought about more than their face value deserves... Most times ..things are indeed .... what they look like ... Think in real terms more .... keep things simple.

Traveling has an important role to play in our lives . The more we travel and get acquainted with different cultures ... the more we enrich our own characters. The changing landscapes ... and the expanding social boundaries impart a lot of strength to anyone's character ... hmm.... i wait. signing off. :-)

Clueless

These vague strings are pulling me ...
The sound of silence is magnified ...
Negativity is being amplified...
The dearth of common sense is astounding
Silence is resounding ...
The pleasure in the pain is compounding ..
The hollowness and emptiness is confounding

The proximity to reality is blaring
The headlights of the past are glaring
I try to pull myself free... of responsibilities and history
They have a hold over me...
They won't let me be ..
Its a sad sight indeed... Where will this lead ?

The questions are many .. The answers too few ...
What will I form ... Which color ..what shape and hue ?
I don't have a clue ...
I need a little spark ... But it's raining too hard ...
The fire wont start ...

Soaking wet ... In reality ...
Clueless Indeed.

Troubled

Stop talking. Hypocrite .Stop wasting my time. Stop babbling. I wish I could blurt out an insult... Maybe that would make you stop. But then i'd feel bad.Stop talking.

Have you taken a look in the mirror ? I cant stand your sight.Look at you . Why did I get into this ? Why am I wasting my time with you ? Why am I here ?I am much rather better off ... with my thoughts ... Me alone.

Thoughts - weird,dangerous,disturbing,fantasizing - the likes...flowing through my head ..every moment of every day. I don't even think I'm sleeping when I'm asleep....I'm talkin to myself. That's psychotic .. Is it ?

Why do I like you people..one moment ...and then abhor you the next ?? Every action of mine is a self contradiction. Troubled.

Grandeur and the Grunge

Go back to where you belong
To days long gone
Simple times ... Simpler rhymes
Days when all would fall in line .
And there weren't any need to retrospect or
read any signs ..

The world ..it seems ... has turned to technology ,
I don't get this Ideology
Why would one want to get work done faster and fill the void ...
With more ... work ?? Where's the logic in this ?
Why cant we just kill time?

Don't you think that family values have taken a back seat ?
In an age when politics and religion are intertwined .
Sanity ...... has become a crime.
That's the grandeur and the grunge of modern times.

Better Late......

Don't let your circumstances get you down ..
Don't get affected by other people's mentality ... cause you can't change 'em
.........
Things take their time ....hold on
You can't change your destiny.... neither .....
shirk your responsibilities.
what's meant to happen........ will happen .
Don't think too much .... you can't change anything by thinking ...so stop.



Above are glimpses of conversations.... innuendoes ...... i've been fed over the past couple of days........
Whats new ? Nothing.
Actually worse than nothing.
People around me keep moving on.
Everyone... i seem to be talking with seems to be doing something ...
Something....
Changing.... Evolving ....
Nurturing .... dreams, hopes and aspirations and taking positive strides towards their fulfillment.

Yes,another semester has started in bong land .
Surrounded by an all too well known nepotistic bengali mentality .....accompanied with the rather new ... the rather dull... the rather unrealistic.... the rather vague......the rather unclear views of a so-called changing city ..and its political landscape.

The overawing feeling i get is that i am late ....I have missed the bus .
I did not do enough.Did not be true to my feelings and stand up for them enough when it was needed.I did not work hard enough . Think seriously enough ... Supported myself enough ...the list is endless.

I take longer to realise some things than others would.
My good friends will tell you i am an astoundingly horrible judge of people.
I am delusional...I am childish in many ways.... Too straight and emotional ...to be the one i aspire .... Mostly ..Above all.... I am always late....

Those voices again keep telling me ....

It's better late than never............

at this moment ... I feel ... I would better be dead than late...

Signing off...

Mutual Understanding ...

"You had to screw it up dint you ?? "

" Like hell i did !... I wanted to be in power ... I fed the beast .. made it grow "

" See what you have done now ? The frankenstein you created is destroying this place "

" So what ?? I did what I had to... "

" But what of the People ... ? The ones to were supposedly charged with looking after ,ruling over ... what of them ? Who'll help them ? You created the monster !!... Kill it now !! "

" But you see ... I can't ... Killing it will destroy all Hope i have of recapturing my throne ...Don't you see ? "

" Well If you can't neither can I ... If I raise a voice I'll lose out and make you the beneficiary ... I can't dare upset the beast .... But what of the people ?? "

"Guess ... The people ... just have to suffer ."

" Guess so ....." .

Reality

CAse 1 ........ Park street - Walking by the park at 8 pm on an saturday evening and a non-bengali teenager lurches out of the darkness .... and asks " college girls ?? college girls ?? " .................. ????????? what the fuck........

CAse 2...... - Smoking a fag with a friend on the street side .... a Bihari dude... riding a fast bike from the wrong side ... loses control , slips , skids to a stop in front of us .... friend has the stupidity /audacity to say " excuse me ...aapka galti hai ... .wrong side se aa rahe the ... " ....... all hell breaks lose ........ DUDE retaliates with a barrage of threats and gestures....... and i find myself surrounded by hostile faces...... older saner Bihari comes and defuses the situation ..........


Case 3 ..... - Children about 4/5 yrs old playing on the streets all day ... using the most sexually explicit language imaginable ........... accompanied with hand gestures.... OFCOURSE !!


CAl has lost its voice. It's people .

YEs........ this is the CAl that we once knew .............. A deranged society filled with anti-social elements ruling the roost .... No morality . No culture . No Hope .
An no one dare raise a voice ... you shall get branded anti-secular / political ... etc etc etc .... CAl has lost the tag of being one of the favoured places to live in . It can no longer give you a piece of mind,security, sense of compassion and hope for the future... with the current political scenario future looks bleak . CAl has changed ... The only reason this city hasn't fallen totally to the gutters is because it is the eastern command of the army . When the rest of India has taken strides forward .... CAl has fallen into darkness.... And no -one dare raise a voice. Please ... carry one..... spoil our city even more.... we don't care...really ... what can we do ? After all we were just born here .... You guys have come from all - over .... you guys are Indians and hence have equal right to defame the culture of this place ... Please Go on ..... we can't dare raise a voice... You guys are the vote bank ... No one will hear us .. Please Go on.

Security lost ... Deserted and Left

The peace has Left this place ... Peace has Left without a trace .
Yet Innocence searches for a quantum of grace and solace .
This land ,My land has been swept away by the Tide Of Times
...As I keep searching for a line that rhymes ..
To Express to you... The Hatred of losing my lovely Land


Who robbed this land of it's character ?
Why do people around me keep leaving this place .. ?
Friends ,relatives and neighbours ... some i've known for years ...
Some more recent... Yet they are leaving just the same !!


Who has failed to keep up the promise that this land once held ?
Is it the people ? The Government ?
Who has made this state Just another dying race ?


I look around me ..In search of Hope ... But there's none to find. ..
When my friend's keep leaving ... why should I be Left behind ?
In this life ... sentiments have no place ...
Reasonableness is the call of the hour ..the Day !


This land is lost ... Too much is wrong .
An irreversible cycle has been surreptitiously put into place ..
Secretively a new order has emerged...
One that wields it's ugly head time and again .
This land is lost ... It can't be reclaimed ...
My friends..


I can see Doomsday looming large.
But I can't warn you ...
I can only silently watch ..
As this Plague destroys my land till nothing is Left .
Oh ! But there's nothing Left in this place .


Hope the powers that be .
Realize their mistakes...
Hope they reverse this the cycle of Hate ..
But its only a foolish dream
Words i say out of sentiment ..
And sentiments have no place ...


I long to be at peace ...
One day ..I shall have my peace......
But .. Not Yet ..
Not yet ...

COnfused

Who am I ? The most difficult question that I shall ever have to answer . I am a sum of parts ....rather than a whole .... a cluster of incongruent parts constantly striving against each other to become the 'me' of that moment ...for that day .

I do not know me . How can i be so diverse and complex when i profess simplicity on the outward face ... ? How can i be equally attracted to polar opposites of entities ... I am an amalgamation of contradictions ..... What surprises and worries me ... Is the fact that ... none of these different me's is the dominant 'me' .

One part of me says I am a burden to my friends .... that i should really care for people more... the other part says i already care too much .......... One part of me is able ,upfront and confident ......... the other ..... a confused entity sulking all day long . One part of me says I have a good life .... the other want's to run away and be 'independent' .


Many things influence ,inspire and leave indelible impressions on our lives .... every day .... something is added to our self . We may not notice it... But every day we take a new form ... one that is unique ... one that we have never been before.

Who shall i be when i wake up tomorrow ... ?? I do not know my friend . :-)

Never judge a book............

I don't know the reason for my self imposed exile from writing ...The lack of new ideas ,the absence of anything 'eventful' in my rather dull ....ordinary.. social life,and the never ending fiasco i call my college has added to the monotony.Just sick and tired of college and way things are run there . But am not writing this to whine about anything .The inspiration behind this post is the rather extraordinary life changing performance on a reality TV show called "Britain's got Talent" by a 47 yr old unemployed single lady ,with shabby clothes and grizzled hair going by the name of Susan Boyle .
She comes on stage. The expressions of the judges and audience leaves nothing to the imagination what they think of her ....when she declares she always dreamt of being a pop star....... She isn't blessed with good looks...... She has never even been kissed... When asked what age she was.... she says 47 ..and with a gyrating movement of her hips (!!!) cheekily declares "But thats only one side of it " .
The judges give her a sarcastic go ahead when she says she wants to sing "I DREAMED A DREAM " ..the les miserables classic..........Now ,to be fair to them up until this point i myself was one of them ..... thinking this woman to be another joke. I mean .......like....... Come on dude !! ....... How can a 47 year old nobody ...who looks like THAT ever deliver a good show . This was to provide a good comic relief i figured .
Then she signals for the music to start and from then onwards what followed was a masterclass in the most refined,impassioned singing one shall ever see . A sobering experience for the viewers . A lesson for our cynical minds . A reinforcement of the age old adage of never to judge a book by its cover . It was the "ROCKY " moment ........The "ISTANBUL" (football lovers will know) moment of reality Tv. Even if this lady never sings another tune in her entire life she has achieved greatness .
This extraordinary show by a previously 47 yr old nobody epitomises what's important in life . Her genuine nature has won over the world in those 4 minutes of fame. She had the the cynical crowd and the judges purring with delight at the end of her song... a standing ovation from the once cynical audience and 20 million views in 6 days and counting .... the angelic voice ... the honesty ..... and a message to the world......
" never judge a book by it's cover " ! :-)

The link to video is given below ...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-KiGva9dV4&feature=related

BELEIVE

"We can do WHATEVER we want to ...
whenever we want to ....
IF we want to ....... "

random post........

I don't know how the past few weeks have passed me by . Have been dwindling and sleeping away my time. The lazy feelings that comes with being a procrastinating bong,the laid back calcutta feel and the energy-sapping summer afternoons of cal seem to have gotten a grasp over me. Time seems to fly by so quickly ...too quickly .
New Year's seems like yesterday and April is knocking on the door.
Nothing much seems to have changed though . The traffic is just as loud , the streets just as dirty ... the people just as diverse.
Silence has been a loyal companion to me over the years . And its something i can repose complete trust in .It has brought me out of the madness ...the silliness of people around and my own .
The lack of opportunity here in this city i love....is dreadful to say the least. Calcutta has its nuances ..it's old world charm .... mixed with the poverty ,the dirt ...the madness .... and it takes an equally mad soul to find reason in this world of the mad M and the bad B.
National elections are around the corner ...and the political circus has well and truly gotten underway.With political backstabbing...dirty underhand deals and the usual fanfare that accompanies an Indian election the news channels are having a field day .
A government will be formed nonetheless ,with an able or not-so-able Prime Minister governing over his/her 'cause-driven' disciples.Yes the madness shall continue ...
whoever may come to power ....BUT .... what change does it bring to the country ..if any ? Does the common man really give a damn who talks his/her non-sense at the top... when there is nothing but deprivation and want all around ?
It better not to think too big . Better not to worry about the big picture.Concentrate on my own life. Making a living for myself . That's enough for me . That's what everybody does.
What if the system is screwed up ? I am a part of it. Too small and insignificant an object. So are we all. Roll on.
Calcutta .... dirt ... poverty .... madness... so what ?
kolkata ache bhai .... aar calcutta nei

Fool... Fool...Fool

"Everyone dreams of a love lasting and true
But you and I know what this world can do
So lets make our steps clear that the other may see
And Ill wait for you
If I should fall behind
Wait for me"

A lapse of reason.... foolish yet heartfelt
An Utopia it is ..I know ...
No worries when this thought is with me ...
A brighter Yesterday,today and tomorrow

I drift through the greens ...
The Broken fields ..mountains ..oceans ...
The vivacity of life enriches me...

So foolish ,yet kind ...Can't I hold this feeling forever ?
No broken sigh..... .
I love this Audacity of Hope.
Please Life... To me ...be kind.

Then I lose the thought .... I don't know how ...
Don't know why .
Who made me lose Hope ?
It's like i've taken a few steps back again.
Maybe...I don't want to get hurt anymore...
Broken expectations has dealt me a tragic blow.

This is the only me you get ...
The one who depends on himself...
No one else.
I am mine.
This Life is mine.

Yet,I fall into the trap again.
This expectation from myself...
A foolish mentality ...
I dream in airs ... without a trace of logic or sense.
I dream big ..yet do not know the work to be done hence.

So .. I pray to Thee ...
The Higher power above ...
Bless me with logic , love and good sense.

"We said we'd walk together baby come what may
That come the twilight should we lose our way
If as we are walking a hand should slip free
Ill wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me"

May God Bless .
Goodnight. :-)

Blackbird

Shattered glass strewn across the floor
A conglomeration of mismatched images galore
Wallowing cry from distance..condescending me from afar
The black shore , the black tide ..where do I belong ?
A silent night...nothin stirs... I can't sleep
My head weeps ....My nightmares are too loud ..
Echoing cries come back to haunt me...
Glimpses of HOpe,Faith,Love.. Illusions all ..
The trust is gone... Cynicism is my right ..
Yes Cynicism...And hatred for it all...
I want to escape..but hands are tied...
No am stuck here... With this voice in my head ..
It won't let me sleep... I cry out....
I try to weep... the tears have dried...
I cannot but my anger vent ... I don't know
What cause is this ?? ... who had this anger sent ?
A black bird..comes flying by ... I look into her hollow eyes.
Am laughing...I mock myself.....
The BLAckBird has set me free.....
COme over to the dark side.

short film ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onj_ncbdKSs

the best... :-)

When you walk through a storm,
Hold your head up high,
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm,
There's a golden sky,
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind, Walk on through the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

YNWA

Mediocrity sucks

Some people are awesome apart ..and sadly... morons together.
Loathing in hypocrisy . Searching for something i can never find.
Why can't I get my head out of the clouds for once? ?
Mediocrity sucks.
Want to leave this place...and run ... move far away ...
I appreciate what I got here ... I love calcutta ... Always have.
But can't help but feel I am being held back here ...
A different flavor of life beckons...
Is calling out to me everyday ...
In what hue ...
In what shape and form ...
I can channelize my talents I do not know
...But I KNOW i shall never know unless I leave this place .
I don't want my growth to be stunted and my life's decisions molded by my surroundings.
I have to try .
I have a dream.
I do not know what it is other than ...
a long-standing urge for FREEDOM.
This never experienced yet unrelenting desire .... is killing me.
I need to wake up .
Tired of people telling me I'm no good .
That i can't .
Assuming what i shall be...
What I can achieve .
TO hell with them.
Never achieved shit ...Don't assume for what I can or cannot do.
Mediocrity sucks.
I CAN ..



I CAN ..



I CAN ..




I HAVE TO ..



'cause Mediocrity sucks.

The ride before the fall

Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come, but I aint the same....


Lotsa things ... hav happened during the past week... been busy filming a documentary.
Yes it may not be too good ... but i enjoyed making it.... have never stayed up till 6.15 am in the morning before.... enjoyed writing..narrating...camera work n editing... yes it was fun .......... i will make another one in a few months hopefully.

Human nature... ah well... what to say ......... hate college .... (yes again) .


Times gone by seem to be
You could have been a better friend to me

Think........ in the air !!

For years in passion ..rekindled ..rewashed..
In search of you ... I drifted out to sea
All i could remember was that moment in the sun
When you took away all my fears... Pain there was none


The morning sun..the spring breeze..
A smiling you ... thats all i need ..
Wait for me..dear one...
I'm preparing myself .. Stay ...dont go...


I don't wan't to worry anymore...
I hope I am the man i want to be ...
You stay the same... wait for me ...
DOn't change... I will ...
A better man..is what i shall be..


So in search of you .. I drift out..
To sea ...the seagulls fly over me ...
The cormorants ..they dive into sea
..The big blue... Where mermaids play ..
That's where I hope I shall find you ..someday


Alas the twain never shall meet ... I'm afraid ...I dont know ...
your thoughts visit me like the fallin rain
Stay ... DOn't go !

Those Golden Moments

How different my life would have been
If I'd had the courage to speak up then
No one told me not to speak
I just lacked heart to believe

I had that exuberant feeling then and there
How different it all would have been
Had i listened to myself ....speak
I had what i had wanted all my life ..
Yet i don't know why ... I didn't take it

Now i wait ... again ...
For the next such moment to arrive
And I promise I won't let it go ... this time
This time... I will choose to speak ...


For these moments are God's golden gifts ...
To be taken ...not forsaken
I have made mistakes i know...but now I know
The value of not letting ...these moments go ...


So now I work ... With patience kind ..and
With an open heart ..for the next moment to arrive
I promise I will take the chance ..
The next time such a moment will arrive..

My Confession

No matter what you say
This truth i know
The me you see is a cold disguise
A mask i wear ... that shall swallow me whole


You say I'm a pleasure to talk to
But the pleasantries we exchange
is fake... I'm playing you ..
All i do is play a role
That shall swallow me whole


I shall never live upto your expectations
cause what you think of me is a lie
It's only a disguise i put on to use you
When behind your back i mock and ridicule

I laugh with you ,seem nice and decent and put on a show
To make you feel good about tomorrow
When what I really think of you is that you're sick
I fool myself ,I'm digging a hole
My hypocrisy and lies shall swallow me whole


I laugh at you.. mock you behind your back
When all i'm really doing is burying myself in lies
Nothing i say to praise is genuine
All my compliments fake


They are lies to gain your trust ..
right now this confession i make
They are only lies , Only a blind disguise
I'm digging a hole today
One that shall swallow me whole...someday


I confess i'm ashamed for not liking you more
I confess i'm ashamed for that look of trust i see in your eyes
The trust i break everyday when you turn away .
In my attempts to play with you... I'm killing myself ..I know ..
I'm sorry but this disguise has overtaken me..i can't let go .



I wish I could stop, I wish I played with you no more..
For I don't want to pretend anymore
I wish i had the courage to tell you face to face
I don't like you ..i've never liked you... my friend
But this mask is me now .. this is me



My sins are unforgivable ..I shall have to pay
I feel nothing really matters ..so i play with you instead
No matter how much care you show..The trust and respect you give
It won't stop me from digging this hole ...
Of hypocrisy and lies which someday shall swallow me whole.


Friend ,this is my confession
I'm telling you this today
This is me ..
the one you call your friend


I'm unworthy of your respect and love
I'm unworthy of your time
I'm telling you all this because.. MAYBE
MAYBE YOU FEEL THE SAME.
MAYBE YOU ARE THE SAME .


please let me know .......


============================================

Lucky Thirteen

This post is to impress upon you my new found sense of "Hey ...i'm growing up ! " . It has been an eventful past couple of days . Well eventful by my standards anyways .
Managed to keep myself off a street fight (yes yes...a real one... brash punk and i took it well) and accepted two difficult facts ,responsibilities (and i would like to think reacted well to them ) that i would have had much greater trouble dealing with before. So yeah ... i'm glad about how i conducted myself over past few days ..something i havn't been for a long while back .

Maybe its got to do with the global economic downturn..people losing jobs ..worrying about their futures that has given me this new found sense of greater self importance as opposed to the previous worried hallowed sense of impending doom.Now that everybody else seems to be worried it makes me less worried.... Or maybe its because i am slowly teaching myself of letting go of this fear of failure i've held all these years . Slowly but surely i'm learning to let go of false hopes and expectations from people.... and more importantly ....... from myself !

College re-opens tomorrow ..and well i do love college ... so damn much . (sarcasm ..laugh u ) .. It shouldn't be bad ... will continue with the formula adapted for the last couple of semesters ... "no lab .. no use going to college" .I'm telling you .. with all these 'couples' in class its quite awkward entering it .... don't know quite where to look ... every angle seems to have a different posture from one of those newly built lover's parks being enacted ! ... (okay ..now laugh ) !

Having got THAT outa the way ..as i was saying ... I seemed to be growing up ..
So many things to be thankful for ... and yes it was a REAL street fight i managed to wage off with my super cool patience in the face of blinding hate from a drunk idiotic punk .....be it at the cost of being at the receiving end of a few choice words ...Hmm..can't have it all my way .
Now as i keep congratulating myself for finally learning to understand reality better .... you guys wait patiently for my next post ... which shall be just as nerve racking ,enthralling , practical ...cogent discourse... Cheers ... n till we meet again ...Good evening ... Good afternoon ... and Good Night !


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Broken trust .....Stays broken.

Treachery can never be forgiven.Trust once broken can never be regained.I value respect as equally as important as love..if not more so ..in any relation . Respect and love ... whether between friends , lovers or relatives. Once that respect is lost ,love cannot survive .

Once trust has been broken...no matter how much effort goes into trying to rebuilt
a relation the erstwhile sweetness can never ever be regained. The seeds of mistrust once sown can never be removed. It takes years and years to know someone ..to built trust and it takes just a moment to give it all away ... to destroy everything ...to spoil all the hours ,days ..years ...gone into making that relation ... any relation.

This scares me . Yes, I am afraid.


For me ..due to broken trust ... a relation or friendship i may have had ..has been broken it stays broken for good. I do not want to reconcile. If i am in a position to help out such a person I shall.If i am in a place and time to have a laugh ..share a joke with this ex-trusted entity i shall .I shall maintain all the reasonable formal norms that society expects ..but never ever shall i consider ...never ever shall I give such a person the opportunity to make a mockery of me and my time again .I don't care why the relation didn't work .Why the trust was broken...Who was at fault...I shall bear no grudges against such a person.. I shall blame myself first .. cause i was the one who trusted ..maybe i am at fault ..but the bottomline is that the relation failed ...The simplicity and respect of the relation is lost forever ..

Life is too damn short to depend and trust someone again ..to believe in a relation that has been falsified and insincere once.... is mind numbingly stupid .That's the conclusion I have come to .. thinking about this topic of broken trust ... Trust once broken for me.... shall stay broken for good.

There ofcourse are exceptions ... supposing a married couple with children ..and one of them finds the other guilty of adultery ... Or a son steals from his father ,his brother ...then invariably they must try and make it work .. they must try and trust in the relation again ... must ... cause we as humans would like to believe that things can be fixed ... we are too weak to let go ... we can't ... the moment we compromise by not punishing mistrust the respect is gone...and with it love and dignity of the relation.

Still believe broken trust should stay broken ... but we are often found too weak to accept ......when its over.......A nagging feeling always remains with second chances ...... that maybe it shall get spoiled again.... What was before can be no more...... no matter how much two people try ... when trust is broken ......... let it remain so .

Maybe I am too self respecting ...egoistic that i take such a view ... Maybe it's that i am willing to forgive (both myself and the other person) for the broken trust ..but not forget .. maybe I am wrong in this conclusion... but it works for me.

Happy New Year !!

The world seems so much better.Everything seems to have quietened down .Yes , I could do this .I can get used to this.For the last couple of days i've been feeling at peace, less irritated with myself ..much less bitter with everything around me. It feels good. The simplicity of life . I don't know why this is so . Maybe it's because of the influence of my friends . Who are much much wiser than I ..and their words of encouragement and the way they make me feel so important and special ... I wish this feeling never ends.Maybe I needed this peace to feel good again... I don't know what it is.. that i'm suddenly thinking straight ... That i'm not killing myself worrying... and the point is I don't care what the reason is ... Maybe it's the long drives that i've been taking for the last few days ... Or maybe its that i've been living alone for the past week ..I don't care ! This sms one of my friends send .. picks me up everytime I worry.... it said something like work with passion and emotion but don't get emotional .. wise words ....and one i hope to follow always .. This other person from college i talk to almost everyday has been so helpful .i wish i always have friends such as these....i can't imagine the mess i was in about four months ago .. (one i have none but myself to blame for ) and how i am feeling now..... just so many inspirations and friends to draw my strength from .I never want to let go of this new found me ... This is the me i want me to be ..forever . One that looks at the positive side of things ...one that forgives.. one that is quick to judge myself first before pointing a finger at anyone else... One that knows my faults are far greater and am much more the screwed up mentally than anyone else i dare to blame. Hope i can gather courage from the positive influences i have around me at present and never ever ever ....let go of this new found spirit i seem to have found.
yes .. life seems good again ! :-)


Happy New Year everyone ! :)